This is a random topic, but I do happen to have quite a lot of experience in this area. Whatever the reason you are trying to get to bed without being detected, here’s everything I know about how to do it.
Preparation is everything in subterfuge
You aren’t going to stay out late. You really will practice restraint and get home at a civilised time so you needn’t to be prepared. Who are you kidding? Just in case you should forget the time, or find someone you can’t tear yourself away from, do these things before you leave: Make-up remover, cotton wool and toothbrush at the very least ought to be removed from the en suite and be ready in the other bathroom. If you did none of that before you went out, you will have to skip all ablutions and bear the consequences in the morning.
Everything ve…ry slowly
Did you notice that every sound multiplies by one hundred after dark, and then squares for every hour after midnight? So imagine you are in a slow motion film from the moment you lift your front door key to the lock. When you close the door once inside, hold the latch back with the handle until it is closed. Do pull the door to make sure it is closed. Apart from the obvious security risk in leaving the house unsecured overnight, it is something that only people who come home late and drunk do. And that is definitely not you. Obviously you need to take your shoes off as soon as, being careful not to drop them from a height. In fact line them up neatly if you can manage it. Thrown-off outer clothes strewn up the hall… very suspicious.
No more light than needed
Even the sound of a light switch is a very loud ping in the dark, and a bright light shining under the bedroom door is a dead give away. From the outset, be clever and use your phone torch. There’s no point creeping around in total darkness as you will definitely trip over something left in the hall and the game will be up. A little light will get you through drinking a glass of water and cleaning your teeth. That’s cleaning your teeth keeping your lips closed to keep the noise down. Try it. It’s fun.
Other bathroom tips; if you have one of those silly little boilers that fires up when you ask it to heat anything, forego using hot water. You won’t die if you wash your hands in cold water just this once. It is in a good cause.
Do as much as possible outside of the bedroom
Taking your shoes off outside is a no-brainer. But what about the zip that you didn’t notice when you did it up earlier, but now sounds ridiculously loud and feels like it will go on forever? And the necklace which jangles when you lay it on the dresser? You can’t creep back out once you are in the bedroom, so get as near to your birthday suit as you can outside the bedroom door. If you have been a good scout, you will have your nightdress on already by the time you creep in.
Superspies use technology.
Okay, now you are ready to venture into The Presence and you need all the tools you can. You can’t use your phone torch, it’s blinding. Bedside lamp is obviously out of the question, but with a bit of forethought you can use the back light on your phone. Flight mode on, brightness down as far as you dare. But here’s the essential bit; adjust the timer so you don’t have keep re-turning it on. You don’t want to be flashing like a neon light. Hold it to your body as you first enter, then point it at the floor, not ahead. Your bed will probably be where you left it. so you only need to make sure you don’t crash into anything or step on something that is going to make you howl involuntarily.
Most car crashes happen within a mile of home.
Whatever you do, don’t hurry the last bit in order to get it over with. You are in close range now and the subject may be stirring. I trust you don’t have a creaky bed (if you have a bateau bed like I do, just curse silently at this point and promise yourself to apply chalk for next time,) but the depressing of the mattress and careless moving of the quilt is enough to waken them.
Here’s a tip; when you are sure they are not moving, pull back just enough corner of quilt and sit. Yes just sit. Breath. If nothing happens, slide your legs under the covers. If there are any stirrings, wait until they settle down. When safe to do so, slide down fully and simply pretend you have been there for hours. I would say you have three lives at this point. If they stir once they will settle. Stir twice, it very risky but they will hopefully not fully register that you are there if you remain very still. But disturb them thrice and I can not help you. Needless to say, pure silk bedding will assist greatly in the whole operation.
There is one last top tip I can give and it is one that you will love me for; bed fellow is highly likely to stir at this point and turn over, taking more than their fair share of the quilt. So hang on to the edge of it, or it could well disappear and you will have to freeze all night.
Mission accomplished.
Believe me, it is possible to acheive this feat even after quite a lot of champagne.
There is just one question though; is it out of consideration for your bed companion that you are so keen not to disturb them? Or what exactly have you been up to that you are so keen to conceal…? Whatever it is, if you follow my tips, you will get away with enjoying it again and again and again!